Dissolving
by dream-2me
Summary: I bent over him, wrapping my arms around his waist, feeling his face, his arms, every part of him. I couldn't lose him, even if he were already gone." NM One-shot, Bella POV


**One shot: After the initial four months but before Bella discovers Edward's voice she spends time soaking in her numbness. **

Dissolving

The water was scalding. My toes flushed red as soon as I placed them at the bottom of the tub. I was glad Charlie's house had these kinds of old qualities to it: a large, white tub like they didn't make anymore, with no drain at the top so the water could get as deep as you wanted, the sides so high that you could lose yourself in it.

I didn't know why I was doing this, but I didn't have a reason not to. I had all day. School was over, my homework was finished, my room cleaned, dinner ready for when Charlie got home. I didn't want to stop and think, so I needed to stay occupied.

I lowered myself into the tub, the water so hot that my skin felt like it was on fire, like little needles were pricking the hairs off of my body one by one. I relaxed after a few minutes in the water getting used to the temperature.

_Now what?_ I thought.

I wouldn't allow myself to think so I concentrated on the water. I dipped my fingers in and out of it, watching the tiny drops fall into the bath and cause ripples in the water. I counted floor tiles. I tried to memorize patterns in the ceiling. I examined the wrinkles forming on my hands.

The wall I built so carefully, defended so fiercely… it suddenly crumbled into pieces. _I_ was crumbling into pieces, dissolving into the hot water.

My stomach muscles clinched together automatically, my hands reaching around my bare waste. My fingers, wrinkled and wasted, made me remember my dream, and his memory was intertwined with it.

Charlie wasn't home yet and I wasn't sure when he would be. I didn't even know how long I had been in the bath. But I was alone and that's all that mattered.

An unnerving scream filled the bathroom. I knew it was me but even after four months I was still horrified that I could make that noise. That anything, anywhere, could cause to anyone make that noise.

Tears were coming out in howls, broken and raspy and choked. Charlie had thought I'd improved but if he saw this then everything I worked so hard for would have been flushed down the drain.

I laugh hysterically while the sobs kept coming. Down the drain. So appropriate. I wished that I could pull the plug holding in the water and just be sucked away with it.

More busts came. I was already cracked open, the water seeping in my wounds and pouring back out my eyes. I had no self-control when this happened. All the memories that I locked so securely away had burst through. Gold flooded my mind. The sunlight in the meadow, the color of his eyes. _Him_.

Another scream escaped my lips as my short, jagged nails dug into the skin of my stomach. I didn't even realize the physical pain I was inflicting on myself because the churning, twisting pain in my core was eating me alive. I squirmed in the tub, trying to find a position where the pain could subside but it never did. The water slashed over the sides of the bath as I moved around, soaking the floor. Nothing I did helped. I couldn't reconstruct my walls; my insides had already been ripped open. The water felt as if it should be salty, entering my wounds and worsening the pain with its blistering heat. Would it never end?

It was between sobs that I heard a car pull into the drive way. It was Charlie, of course. I had to stop, impossible as that may sound. I bit my lips together but stopped as I soon felt small punctures in my skin. My teeth were piercing through my lips. I grabbed the towel off the floor instead and shoved it in my mouth, silencing the frantic grasps of air.

It took only seconds before my breathing slowed down. Charlie opened the front door and hung up his jacket and belt. His footsteps were fading in and out as he looked around the house.

"Bells?" His tone was the same as always: worried, bracing himself for the worst.

I inhaled deeply and tried to clear my mind. "Dad. Hi."

"Where are you?"

"I'm… I'm in the bath."

He didn't respond right away. I knew what he was thinking. I was thinking it myself.

"I'm just relaxing, school was tough today", I lied.

"Well…alright. I'm just gonna turn the game on."

"There's dinner."

He heard me but didn't have anything to say back. Guilt washed over me every time Charlie was near. I hated myself more for putting him through this, having him stand by helplessly as this mess consumed me. He thought that the worst was over but then again he never knew I was capable of anything like that. I never knew I was capable either. Neither of us trusted me.

Once I was almost numb again I realized the water was lukewarm. It was smoldering hot at first but now it was indifferent. I hadn't even noticed I was in water anymore but I thought it would have been freezing by now. Was it really only warm? Wasn't it hours later?

It felt like hours. It always felt long when I did that, like time stopped. Everything accept me. I was the only thing that kept going, suffering alone… slowly.

I liked the other way better, when I would freeze and the world kept turning. The times when I could let the painful minutes, hours, days even, just pass by.

The water wasn't only cooler but shallower. I pulled the drain and watched it all disappear. I so longed to disappear with it.

It was a few minutes before I moved. I don't know what I was thinking about but I was glad for that. I had a particularly helpful skill: the _almost_ black out. I would just drift off for a while, unable to recall what I'd been thinking about or doing when I came back into scope.

It was this, distract myself, or break down completely. This was my favorite.

I heard Charlie come up the stairs trying hard to stay hushed. I turned the faucet, letting the steaming water burn my legs. I adjusted it so that it was bearable, splashing some water around so that Charlie knew I was still alive.

He knocked lightly on the door. "You need a towel, Bells?"

"I have one."

He stayed outside the door for a minute or two. After assuring himself that I would be fine he went back down the steps, reclaiming his spot on the couch. Once he was convinced I seemed to be, too. I knew I could never do anything to myself, mainly because of him and Renee, but I was like a loaded gun. I never knew when I was going to go off.

I chuckled darkly at another cynical remark.

I stopped the water once it was up to my waist and sank down so that my feet were over the side of the tub and my head was almost completely under water. I liked the sound of the water plugging my ears. It was like the world was a mile away, all the sounds blocked away, stuck in your own little paradise, in the middle of nowhere and…

I shut myself off before I could go any further. The tiles preoccupied me as I tapped my foot monotonously against the wall. My lids started to get heavy and I didn't realize how tired I was until I put my feet back into the bath, using more strength then I thought necessary.

The hot water had made me feel extremely weak. I didn't object as my eyes closed and I sank down deep into the water and deeper into unconsciousness.

I couldn't tell what time of day it was. The clouds were thick on one side and the sun was bright on the other. I didn't want the sun, though. Something about the clouds was warming. Or, rather, cooling.

It was a cold day in Forks; I would always be able to identify this place. The familiar green, the fresh scent of the plants, the damp air that seemed to soak your lungs with every breath. I hadn't gone anywhere since… spring, but I felt like I hadn't really been back here in so long.

I wasn't going anywhere in particular, just walking. As I walked through the town I made out familiar places: my home, school, some of the local stores. It was all the same, nothing to be intrigued by. Then a path appeared at the opening of the forest. I took it willingly, eager for something different.

It became cooler as I walked into the forest, each step bringing me away from the warmth of the sun. Every tree seemed completely unlike the last. Each had something I'd never seen, never heard, never smelt. I learned each step I took into the forest. I was walking into a new, hidden world.

I heard a muted voice telling me to stop, to come back to the light. I knew I'd heard it before but I couldn't put a name on it. I liked the voice, had nothing against it. I would have listened if the cold, dark forest wasn't so glorious. So lovely.

The sky above was split in two very different scenes. The forest's sky was full of stars, each a beautiful beacon leading me deeper into the darkness.

When I turned to see the other sky all I could see was bright sunlight. It was so warm, so welcoming. I saw a lot in the light. There was life on the ground, animals, people, family. It was full of possibilities but I turned my back on it.

I could not stop going towards the darkness. The light would be nice, _but the dark!_ It didn't hold what I would have likes, wanted even… but what I needed. What I _yearned _for.

I started running now.

"Bells, c'mon. Come back." I looked over my shoulder and saw dark brown eyes, pleading for my return. I ignored them.

As I looked toward the sky lingering over the dark forest I saw that the stars were suddenly outshone. A pair of golden eyes were smoldering into my soul, mesmerizing me.

I ran faster.

The path was becoming hard to follow not because of the darkness but because it had started to fade. It was as if someone was covering the path, unwilling me to follow.

I looked back again and the sun was burning hotter. I didn't want to go towards it, I wanted the dark. But why had the path been erased? I stared ahead and saw an opening in the trees.

There was a house; big, white, vines and greenery beginning to overgrow it. It was surrounded by the dark forest but there was radiance projecting from its inside. This was not like the sun. It was different, unnaturally light and beautiful.

I was so close to the house now and it was so cold. As I grasped where I was a stab of pain shot through my body. I ignored it, sprinting to the steps of the porch. The great wood door was slightly open and I could see the radiance coming from inside. It was on the floor but I was unsure what exactly it was.

I pushed the door open. There lay a person: tall with a lean build, hair tousled into a beautiful mess, and skin radiating the abnormal light. He was face down, his head tilted away from me.

I should have run away. I knew fresh waves of pain would come, but I couldn't leave him there. My soul urged me to help him, who ever it may be. Slowly I walked towards the body, kneeling down to shake him, to wake him up.

The moment my fingers touched his skin I felt like someone took a knife to my stomach. I flinched under the agony but I was fixed in place. I had to save him. His skin, freezing and hard to the touch, was colorless. I pushed on his side, calling a name I couldn't hear myself say. It was as if my dream was muted, the sounds clogged in my ears. All I concentrated on was saving him. I thrust one hand under his chest and placed the other on his shoulder, pushing him onto his back so he lay face up.

I screamed then. He was dead.

His face was constructed into a mask of pain, torture even, not the blank gaze that death brought with it. This was all the harder to bear. He didn't deserve whatever he got. His face, dead as it may be, was still the most painfully beautiful I'd ever seen.

I began screaming for help. I knew, just _knew_ that someone should have been here. No one was, though. I was alone and he was dead. Every time that realization hit me another cry escaped my mouth. I looked up… where were they all? They needed to help me!

My head turned towards the sun, hoping it could do something, anything. The sun looked back with dark eyes and smiled, coming closer. I suddenly didn't want his help. I didn't want the sun at all. I wanted to mourn in the darkness alone. The sun was too warm and I hated it. I screamed for it to go away.

It only came closer, and as it did the person in front of me started to fade just like the path in the forest. I bent over him, wrapping my arms around his waist, feeling his face, his arms, every part of him. I couldn't lose him, even if he were already gone. His cool skin was the only comfort left and I would hang on to that until the sun burnt us both. My hand cupped his own while my fingers traced lips, his jaw line, every part of his magnificent face. Tears were falling on him, freezing to ice as soon as they touched his skin.

"No!" I sobbed. "Don't go, don't! Please, stay… _please_. You can't leave. Edward, you can't! _Edward_!"

My shriek was raspy, tired. I began coughing, choking. I had sunk into the water while I slept, my face almost under the surface. The tub was cold now. Goosebumps were covering my skin and my ears and eyes were filled with water. I had no idea how long I had been asleep. I blinked out the water and sat up, my body curling up to the cold sides of the bathtub.

The sky was dark outside the window. Tears fell silently across my nose as I rested my cheek on my hand, keeping it submerged in the cool water. I allowed myself to think warily; knowing I was too worn out to muster up a full-fledged break down.

My dream was one of the worst I'd ever had. It was real in so many ways but so abstract in others. It was more painful that anything had been in a long time. I think I was in too much shock to feel the extent of the pain, but tired or not if I could feel it… it would be too awful for words.

I don't know if I truly didn't understand or if I just wouldn't allow myself to reopen that part of my mind. I focused on the images I saw, what they could mean. I understood the darkness and the light, though I couldn't recognize the brown eyes. The forest was not something new, the house was all too familiar, and the unnatural light… it was something that could never be erased from memory. I understood all of these things, but… I couldn't even think the last part.

Once again I felt like I was being stabbed. My arms curled around my midsection and I noticed how cold my body felt… and how cold the water felt. Was this why I hadn't flooded with anguish? Because it felt so good?

The cold was warming. It reminded me of…

"Charlie!" I gasped.

My mind suddenly snapped back to reality. Where was he? Why hadn't he come for me? I must have been sleeping for hours. What could have happened? I stood up from the tub, my legs weak with sleep and heavy with water. The air was warm and it caused the tears to fall faster. I wanted the cold back.

I brushed my skin quickly with the towel and threw on my pajamas. Before running out the door I pulled the plug on the tub, watching the cool water disappear, the last of my tears going with it. I composed myself immediately. I had to.

I took the stairs by two, not sure what to expect. The television was still on and everything seemed to be as it was before. Charlie's belt, his jacket, my book bag…

And Charlie, snoring on the couch. I let out a sigh of relief and walked over to him. He had been sleeping the whole time, unaware of my break down.

"Dad, let's go upstairs." I shook him lightly.

"Bella?" His eyes opened, searching for me. His face looked worried in the light of the television.

"Dad, I'm here. You were sleeping." I clicked off the TV while nudging him again. He wobbled as he got up, tired with sleep, rubbing his eyes. I was glad he couldn't see the tear stains on my cheeks or the fact that my hair was still drenched.

We walked up the stairs saying goodnight awkwardly. Before he shut his door he gave me one last, concerned look. I couldn't meet his gaze.

I lay in bed, unable to think. My hair was soaking the pillow and the covers were kicked towards the bottom of the mattress. I was glad parts of the dream had vanished only leaving random scraps that made little sense; I didn't want to think about it ever again. The tears were still running but I wasn't having hysterics. My body was tired, on the verge of sleep, and already weak from lying stagnant for hours. The window was open letting the cold wind in. It seemed to calm me down.

Today _had _been tiring in its own way. Emotionally, every day was exhausting, but I usually never allowed myself to think this much about such subjects. My stomach hurt, my skin felt worn from all the water, and my eyes felt blood shot from all the tears. That was usual, well besides the water part, but my heart felt a little warmer. As if… he was closer.

Maybe it was just seeing him in my dream (I shuddered at the state in which I saw him) or the familiarity of the cool water and cold breeze coming into my room. It seemed to make things tolerable… until I would wake up and realize everything once again.

I shut my eyes hard, not wanting that now, not ever. I accepted it would come sooner or later but I just wanted to sleep tonight… and embrace the cold to embrace all the while. My eyes were heavy, blinking away my final tears. Within moments they closed and I was swept into the darkness once again.

Frozen while the world spun on.

**AN: I hope all the symbols and deeper meanings are recognized. The sun and warmth being Jacob (or any life without Edward) and the cold and dark being Edward. In her dream Bella has the choice of warm life and family but she keeps running towards the darkness. The fact that the path fades is Edward wanting her to forget him even though she won't. She follows it anyways and finds the empty house and him within it. His death is foreshadowing for later in the book when he goes to Italy. When the sun gets closer Edward starts to fade (how in Italy each second the sun rose he was closer to stepping into the light and thus dying) and Jacob comes into the picture, taking his place. Bella sees this happening and tries to prevent it but soon wakes up. The rest of the night is easy compared to earlier because the cold of the water, the tub, the wind- it all calms her a little. The last line has two meanings: back to when Bella is explaining how at times she freezes, missing the painful moments in life, while time goes on. It also represents freezing physically because her window is open and she's surrounded by the cold, which to her feels like Edward is closer. I kind of put it in her mind that she could make him appear herself, which she later discovers with adrenaline rushes and impulsive, dangerous actions.**


End file.
